Gregarious Chanters

Hey Ponderous Lady:
I scent you a bunches of rose-petal dew. Did you get it?
Regards,
F’clfyce Jomms
—
Hey Jomms,
Got em! They’re nice. So are you. I appreciate it.
—Ponderosah
—
Ponderous Lady:
Your note came just as I was shaving the beard off a honeydew melon. I think I’ll eat the whole thing. No; I’ll save the southern hemisphere for after I’ve [...]

lo-carb cheez-cake

I think you should be a LITTLE MORE FAMOUS before you eat that.
ok
now?
I don’t think you’re QUITE famous enough to eat that.
ok.
…
can i eat it now
no. you’re LESS famous than you were when we STARTED this conversation!
oh. shoot! I don’t know what to do!!
go on tv, start a newspaper column, I dunno, don’t ask ME!
it [...]

Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.
—It’s Wednesday.
—I know
—You sound like an alcoholic.
—I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it.
—Good! That’s good.
—Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally straight-edge: no booze, no drugs, no [...]

personal pan pizza

—Quit drinking coffee, day 4, still feel a little moony, a little spacey, but pretty much out of the woods
—Blog, internet, writing, friends, harmful, peaceful occlusions. Dog just realized “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ is a brilliant name for a (brilliant) TV show. Couldn’t get enough of the photographs accompanying this NYT article about The Onion, [...]

Permanent Teardrop.

Hey Cancer
How’s “the darkness
Fine
Not as dark as you make it sound
Black beans and codfish
Shapeshifter rsvp’d.
Self-Zine?
Got fired Friday, can’t make it
Dog wearing lipstick?
Dunno,  she’s in heat, maybe spayed,  upset
really?
aye
listen
Fear-monger
canceled too. it’s just gonna be me you and self-zine
shapeshifter
And li’l caesar
The pizza guy

used to work for Men’s Wearhouse.
Hey whoww ofenn does your zine come out?
—Every other fortnight
does [...]

HORRIBLE PLASH

Q: I hear your interns don’t use the bathroom in your office?
A: That’s right. They go to the bar across the street.
Q: That’s awful.
A: I don’t think it’s so bad. It’s a terrific bar.
Q: It’s an awful bar. It’s straight out of Kapuscinski. And besides, they should be allowed to go in your office.
A: It’s [...]

PETRA: My cousin is in that band.
SASCHA: “Wow.” I’m “impressed.”
P: I’m adrift, I’m entirely adrift.
S: You’re twenty to thirty pounds overweight. Other than that—you’re fine. [A pause.] I forgot what I was going to say.
P: I wish we’d never met.
S: We’ve never met. I’m a stranger. Hallo! Who the devil are you!
P: Stop playing around.
S: [...]

DRACULA: We got lost.
FRANKENSTEIN: On DVD?
DRACULA: Ha. I get it: “We got Lost“!
F: Yeah. Ha-ha
DRAC: Cool. Ha-ha
[The world is engulfed in flames.]

Paging Dr. Gary

Another hot slice of Audi-0 embarrassment for you, my friends. Sunday 9 a.m. oficina multi-tracked GarageBand depression. Oh Charley Charley Charley.

The sound of a Sanford Uniball FINE repeatedly clinked against an empty ceramic mug is not a substitute for the digital hi-hat of the 808, and for that I’m sorry. As ever, this is [...]

Where Is War-Weena?

—Internet’s quiet tonight
—Yep
—You said yer sleepy. Sure you wanna be bloggin?
—Don’t see why not. Got some language in my pan, might as well fry it up
—That don’t mean you necessarily have anything to say [easing off the fake southern accent outta self-consciousness]
—always got something to say. even when I don’t. I dig the “tale told [...]