Language Bom

Dear future grandchildren,
I’m writing this blog for you. Someday all blogs will be engraved on the bottoms of wide flat stones and you’ll slide your finger across a surfaceless touchpad and the stone will turn and you’ll read these words and think about the life of the man who begot you.
Hi!
I put on my semi-rumpled [...]

Lingua Citadel

I work for a small nonprofit theater company; a theater festival in the Hague (Den Haag), Netherlands, inexplicably invited members of our company to a festival they are putting on but all the senior members of my small theater company got lockjaw syndrome and painful-butt disease so by the luck of the draw I got [...]

David Crosby fan fiction

—Why was the American Office filmed in Berlin?
—It wasn’t.
—I read it was.
—Where?
—In Sergio Aragones’s autobiography, Plato Fails
—You are constantly joking around, it makes it fun to be around you
—Ya, thanks for saying so
—Except I heard you made a rape joke yesterday.
—I did. I regret it. I already apologized to Tom.
—Why’d you do it?
—I was drunk. [...]

In my deepening commitment to sound completely stoned at all times even though I am not stoned:
Seeing Animal Collective (as Avey Tare & Panda Bear) in a waterlogged basement in Oberlin, Ohio, in 2000 or 2001, one of the best shows I’ve ever seen, and then watching them get bigger over [...]

Pummelmilk

ODIN: Will you strike a man’s tooth?
DESIREE: No sir! I will not. [She resumes typing.]
ODIN: How will you know the shine of the quivering swine?? Right????
DESIREE: [Takes out her earbuds] What? Oh… the shivering swine? Hey, can we talk after work? I’m super super busy right now. [Smiles sweetly]
ODIN: Will a gank-rag rise into a [...]

Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.
—It’s Wednesday.
—I know
—You sound like an alcoholic.
—I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it.
—Good! That’s good.
—Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally straight-edge: no booze, no drugs, no [...]

Violent and original dreams

Will Self on JG Ballard in Granta 107:
Ballard, the most outlandish of fictional imaginers, had always dug out his wellspring by the hearth, and remained the perfect exemplar of Magritte’s dictum: a bourgeois in his life, a revolutionary in his dreams.
Another maxim, expressing a similar sentiment, is attributed to Flaubert. From his entry on [...]

Permanent Teardrop.

Hey Cancer
How’s “the darkness
Fine
Not as dark as you make it sound
Black beans and codfish
Shapeshifter rsvp’d.
Self-Zine?
Got fired Friday, can’t make it
Dog wearing lipstick?
Dunno,  she’s in heat, maybe spayed,  upset
really?
aye
listen
Fear-monger
canceled too. it’s just gonna be me you and self-zine
shapeshifter
And li’l caesar
The pizza guy

used to work for Men’s Wearhouse.
Hey whoww ofenn does your zine come out?
—Every other fortnight
does [...]

Eyeball Soup

There is a bowl of chili here.
Steam rises from its beans and meatflecks. It billows politely around a dollop of cold sour cream.
As you gaze into the stew, my face—the face of a young, obese Steven Spielberg, “replete” with undirty baseball cap and full Jewish hair fanning out from beneath the cap’s circumference—appears to you [...]

Where Is War-Weena?

—Internet’s quiet tonight
—Yep
—You said yer sleepy. Sure you wanna be bloggin?
—Don’t see why not. Got some language in my pan, might as well fry it up
—That don’t mean you necessarily have anything to say [easing off the fake southern accent outta self-consciousness]
—always got something to say. even when I don’t. I dig the “tale told [...]