Lingua Citadel

I work for a small nonprofit theater company; a theater festival in the Hague (Den Haag), Netherlands, inexplicably invited members of our company to a festival they are putting on but all the senior members of my small theater company got lockjaw syndrome and painful-butt disease so by the luck of the draw I got [...]

David Crosby fan fiction

—Why was the American Office filmed in Berlin?
—It wasn’t.
—I read it was.
—Where?
—In Sergio Aragones’s autobiography, Plato Fails
—You are constantly joking around, it makes it fun to be around you
—Ya, thanks for saying so
—Except I heard you made a rape joke yesterday.
—I did. I regret it. I already apologized to Tom.
—Why’d you do it?
—I was drunk. [...]

Pummelmilk

ODIN: Will you strike a man’s tooth?
DESIREE: No sir! I will not. [She resumes typing.]
ODIN: How will you know the shine of the quivering swine?? Right????
DESIREE: [Takes out her earbuds] What? Oh… the shivering swine? Hey, can we talk after work? I’m super super busy right now. [Smiles sweetly]
ODIN: Will a gank-rag rise into a [...]

Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.
—It’s Wednesday.
—I know
—You sound like an alcoholic.
—I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it.
—Good! That’s good.
—Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally straight-edge: no booze, no drugs, no [...]

Permanent Teardrop.

Hey Cancer
How’s “the darkness
Fine
Not as dark as you make it sound
Black beans and codfish
Shapeshifter rsvp’d.
Self-Zine?
Got fired Friday, can’t make it
Dog wearing lipstick?
Dunno,  she’s in heat, maybe spayed,  upset
really?
aye
listen
Fear-monger
canceled too. it’s just gonna be me you and self-zine
shapeshifter
And li’l caesar
The pizza guy

used to work for Men’s Wearhouse.
Hey whoww ofenn does your zine come out?
—Every other fortnight
does [...]

Paging Dr. Gary

Another hot slice of Audi-0 embarrassment for you, my friends. Sunday 9 a.m. oficina multi-tracked GarageBand depression. Oh Charley Charley Charley.

The sound of a Sanford Uniball FINE repeatedly clinked against an empty ceramic mug is not a substitute for the digital hi-hat of the 808, and for that I’m sorry. As ever, this is [...]

Where Is War-Weena?

—Internet’s quiet tonight
—Yep
—You said yer sleepy. Sure you wanna be bloggin?
—Don’t see why not. Got some language in my pan, might as well fry it up
—That don’t mean you necessarily have anything to say [easing off the fake southern accent outta self-consciousness]
—always got something to say. even when I don’t. I dig the “tale told [...]

Alfredo Nightmare

FACEBOOK, NY. 2009.
The air is suffused with sex and romance. A woman in an apron pulls a baking sheet of marzipan from the oven and sets in on the counter to cool. I wrote this last weekend, but am for some dumb reason ([internet] problems at home) only posting it now.

WOMAN: I’ve got to sing [...]

heartbroken fatsuit

CHARLES CHUBINKSI: You look fantastic in that sweater.
LORI TREVANIAN: I know.
[They are both hungover and in love. Their relationship is broken.]
LORI: I’m starving.
CC: I know.
[She's better than he is. More attractive, more "vital life force." He's a neurotic dump.]
LORI: I love you.
CHARLES: Nah, you don’t. I mean, you won’t. After we’ve been broken up for [...]

Beatrix and the Double-Frog

BEATRIX POTTER MASK: This pace is good. Try to keep up this pace, OK?
DOUBLE-FROG: Okay.
BPM: You’re tired today.
DF: Yeah.
BPM: What’s up?
DF: Dunno. Got foal-legs again.
BPM: But why?
DF: Sleep sked’s outta whack.
BPM: Trouble concentrating?
DF: That’s more of a terminal problem. That’s chronic for me. But yes, more than normal today.
BPM: Do you feel guilty?
DF: Do you [...]