My College Radio Application

Dear mom and dad, I went to college from 1999-2003, where I lived, ate, breathed, and smoked college radio (WOBC-FM) all day every day. Then, with a year left, I dropped out to move to CA to work for a magazine. I worked there for the next eight years. Then I fell in love with [...]

Wednesday & Saturday

I know at least three couples who live on Linda. One of the couples isn’t romantic. They’re just roommates. This is an absurd statement, negated by a billion bands, and just one: Sly and the Family Stone. (As if I needed to add: Shuggie Otis? I’d even argue that Suicide has soul. Not to mention… [...]

Prevaricated Sun Preference

[Ten hours later] DERRICK: I hate cats, I like dogs JELLIE: I know DERRICK: What if I adopted a cat instead JELLIE: Call me Julie. JULIE: Your apartment is too small. [They get married.] DERRICK: I want a divorce JULIE: No. [Julie's uncle murders Derrick.] DERRICK’S DANISH COUSIN, JAMIE MEEPENSTONE: Hey JULIE: Hey meeps DERRICK: [...]

Link to an Interesting Article About Twitter

SHOUTING INTERNET GUY: I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE LEAVES AND IT’S JUST ME IN THE OFFICE BLASTING STREAMING WEIRD INSTRUMENTAL HIP HOP AND MY TINY BOWL OF HONEY ROASTED CASHEWS RUNNETH OVER, WEARING A CRAZY WIG OF PAD THAI THAT FALLS INTO MY EYES, GCHATTING WITH MC PAUL BARMAN, GCHATTING with self-loathing people in New [...]

Red Red Meat

I like/hate it when bloggers say things like… Welcome, HTMLGiant webtrawlers! …whenever there’s an influx of traffic from a generous link posted by a generous fellow webtrawler. But I’ll say it anyway: Hi, guys! I also struggle. I also did drugs. I also occasionally write things down and think too hard about the wrong things. [...]

Non-Peachable

Here’s what you do: quit your job and get an ethnicity change–can’t cost that much, right? How much does a sex change cost? Ethnicity change is probably more expensive but not too bad. I want you to be Indian, I think. Or Bangladeshi? I know those aren’t ethnicities. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is [...]

“Music By Walt Disney But Played By Yuri Gagarin”

Sorry Matt Roberts turned me into publicity director for this show, but seriously, guys–it’s gonna be good!!! (Silkscreen poster by Anthony Atlas) My beer becomes blood, my tears become beer, I’m psyched! My anglophilia will flow like wine (Is it still anglophilia if they’re Scottish?) (My love for the Londoners’ love of the Yummy Fur [...]

“cc’ed to Andy”

My new theme song. Turn th’volume UPPP!

Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday. —It’s Wednesday. —I know —You sound like an alcoholic. —I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it. —Good! That’s good. —Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally [...]

Eyeball Soup

There is a bowl of chili here. Steam rises from its beans and meatflecks. It billows politely around a dollop of cold sour cream. As you gaze into the stew, my face—the face of a young, obese Steven Spielberg, “replete” with undirty baseball cap and full Jewish hair fanning out from beneath the cap’s circumference—appears [...]