Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.
—It’s Wednesday.
—I know
—You sound like an alcoholic.
—I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it.
—Good! That’s good.
—Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally straight-edge: no booze, no drugs, no [...]

Permanent Teardrop.

Hey Cancer
How’s “the darkness
Fine
Not as dark as you make it sound
Black beans and codfish
Shapeshifter rsvp’d.
Self-Zine?
Got fired Friday, can’t make it
Dog wearing lipstick?
Dunno,  she’s in heat, maybe spayed,  upset
really?
aye
listen
Fear-monger
canceled too. it’s just gonna be me you and self-zine
shapeshifter
And li’l caesar
The pizza guy

used to work for Men’s Wearhouse.
Hey whoww ofenn does your zine come out?
—Every other fortnight
does [...]

Eyeball Soup

There is a bowl of chili here.
Steam rises from its beans and meatflecks. It billows politely around a dollop of cold sour cream.
As you gaze into the stew, my face—the face of a young, obese Steven Spielberg, “replete” with undirty baseball cap and full Jewish hair fanning out from beneath the cap’s circumference—appears to you [...]

Full-Scale Erotica

—Intelligence has nothing to do with it.
—Then what’s it about?
—Whether or not you’re right.
—How’s that determined?
—History? I don’t know. Sex?
—Sex tells you whether or not you’re right?
—If you’re having good sex, nice sex, successful sex with someone, then you’re right.
—”Well, you’re doing something right.”
—Exactly.
—You were also saying something about sex addicts.
—The [scholarly name for the [...]

Conceit 2.0

I think I wrote this two nights ago. When people start going to therapy, it’s all they can talk about. I’m not paying anyone to listen to me talk about myself right now. Well, occasionally I buy people beers and then talk about myself. I ply folks with “blue” American Spirits. But no therapy.

PEDRO VALLEYWHISTLE: [...]

Alfredo Nightmare

FACEBOOK, NY. 2009.
The air is suffused with sex and romance. A woman in an apron pulls a baking sheet of marzipan from the oven and sets in on the counter to cool. I wrote this last weekend, but am for some dumb reason ([internet] problems at home) only posting it now.

WOMAN: I’ve got to sing [...]

heartbroken fatsuit

CHARLES CHUBINKSI: You look fantastic in that sweater.
LORI TREVANIAN: I know.
[They are both hungover and in love. Their relationship is broken.]
LORI: I’m starving.
CC: I know.
[She's better than he is. More attractive, more "vital life force." He's a neurotic dump.]
LORI: I love you.
CHARLES: Nah, you don’t. I mean, you won’t. After we’ve been broken up for [...]

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My work has appeart in Shit Furnace, Papal Nutsheath, The Crow’s Li’l Quarterly, Preen, Lobestone, Nepali Ice Review, Pindelyboz, Jamiroquai, Text of Whispers, bu*lsh*t, Webslingazz, Postal Mouth, The Meal, Ripyarns, Cambridge and You, Frowncake, Busty Feminist Review, Clamhouse, Ars Poetica, Hayden’s Ferry Review, McSweeney’s, Fence, BOMB, The Paris Review, Open City, The Quarterly, Genesis West, [...]

funny riff

Hey wait  stop cmere don’t wait no stop hey cmere wait hey stop  hey wait cmere cmon no here ha stop wait stop hey hi ha huh cmon uh here ha nah ha huh nuh heh wait stop no ha huh heh wait well hic stop hic ha wait ow ouch wait don’t wow wait [...]