Lingua Citadel

I work for a small nonprofit theater company; a theater festival in the Hague (Den Haag), Netherlands, inexplicably invited members of our company to a festival they are putting on but all the senior members of my small theater company got lockjaw syndrome and painful-butt disease so by the luck of the draw I got [...]

Cy Preclops

—I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.
—It’s Wednesday.
—I know
—You sound like an alcoholic.
—I know. It still feels good not to drink. I’m going to keep going with it.
—Good! That’s good.
—Every time I make a proclamation like this I immediately undermine myself, but I sort of want to become totally straight-edge: no booze, no drugs, no [...]

Paging Dr. Gary

Another hot slice of Audi-0 embarrassment for you, my friends. Sunday 9 a.m. oficina multi-tracked GarageBand depression. Oh Charley Charley Charley.

The sound of a Sanford Uniball FINE repeatedly clinked against an empty ceramic mug is not a substitute for the digital hi-hat of the 808, and for that I’m sorry. As ever, this is [...]

Full-Scale Erotica

—Intelligence has nothing to do with it.
—Then what’s it about?
—Whether or not you’re right.
—How’s that determined?
—History? I don’t know. Sex?
—Sex tells you whether or not you’re right?
—If you’re having good sex, nice sex, successful sex with someone, then you’re right.
—”Well, you’re doing something right.”
—Exactly.
—You were also saying something about sex addicts.
—The [scholarly name for the [...]

Gloaming {the Cube}

TED BILLIONS: I know you’re burned out, Leland. Hang in there
LELAND: Fuck this. Fuck you.
TED: You are a very privileged person. You’re looking a gift horse in the mouf
LELAND: And you’re looking a gift horse in its butt. Parry! Thrust!
TED: I’m wounded. You’ll pay for this
LELAND: What part of me gives you the sense that [...]

CV

My work has appeart in Shit Furnace, Papal Nutsheath, The Crow’s Li’l Quarterly, Preen, Lobestone, Nepali Ice Review, Pindelyboz, Jamiroquai, Text of Whispers, bu*lsh*t, Webslingazz, Postal Mouth, The Meal, Ripyarns, Cambridge and You, Frowncake, Busty Feminist Review, Clamhouse, Ars Poetica, Hayden’s Ferry Review, McSweeney’s, Fence, BOMB, The Paris Review, Open City, The Quarterly, Genesis West, [...]

funny riff

Hey wait  stop cmere don’t wait no stop hey cmere wait hey stop  hey wait cmere cmon no here ha stop wait stop hey hi ha huh cmon uh here ha nah ha huh nuh heh wait stop no ha huh heh wait well hic stop hic ha wait ow ouch wait don’t wow wait [...]

Ink Death

A little ten-year-old dude and his dad are sitting in an urban park. There’s a fountain, people of different ethnicities. A spinster takes a decade to unwrap a sandwich. A man wearing sunglasses smokes a “peener,” which is a tiny marijuana cigarette. The boy’s name is Travis. The dad’s just Dad.
TRAVIS: Dad, this is a [...]

Brainstorming Session

SHANNON: Maybe we should have called this a barn-storming session!
[General laughter.]
SHANNON: [Cont] No but really, Jacob, you haven’t been updating the admin site, and we’ve all fallen behind because of your laziness. What’s been going on?
JACOB: Well, I stopped being a vegetarian, and it’s really thrown my digestion for a loop. I also started smoking [...]

Hate: The Musical

A man sits at a desk, typing into a terminal. He refers intermittently to a document that rests peacefully on the desk. This man is overweight, glasses, bad posture, dumb t-shirt, khaki jeans. Bad haircut, bloodshot eyes, some chocolate from a York Peppermint Patty smeared on his forearm.
A 2nd dude enters and approaches the [...]