David Crosby fan fiction

—Why was the American Office filmed in Berlin?
—It wasn’t.
—I read it was.
—Where?
—In Sergio Aragones’s autobiography, Plato Fails
—You are constantly joking around, it makes it fun to be around you
—Ya, thanks for saying so
—Except I heard you made a rape joke yesterday.
—I did. I regret it. I already apologized to Tom.
—Why’d you do it?
—I was drunk. [...]

Sofa-T

Correction: November 8, 2009
A previous version of this article used incorrect punctuation in the title of a book by Marilyn Wann. The book is called “Fat! So?,” not “Fat? So!”

Eyeball Soup

There is a bowl of chili here.
Steam rises from its beans and meatflecks. It billows politely around a dollop of cold sour cream.
As you gaze into the stew, my face—the face of a young, obese Steven Spielberg, “replete” with undirty baseball cap and full Jewish hair fanning out from beneath the cap’s circumference—appears to you [...]

Full-Scale Erotica

—Intelligence has nothing to do with it.
—Then what’s it about?
—Whether or not you’re right.
—How’s that determined?
—History? I don’t know. Sex?
—Sex tells you whether or not you’re right?
—If you’re having good sex, nice sex, successful sex with someone, then you’re right.
—”Well, you’re doing something right.”
—Exactly.
—You were also saying something about sex addicts.
—The [scholarly name for the [...]

Alfredo Nightmare

FACEBOOK, NY. 2009.
The air is suffused with sex and romance. A woman in an apron pulls a baking sheet of marzipan from the oven and sets in on the counter to cool. I wrote this last weekend, but am for some dumb reason ([internet] problems at home) only posting it now.

WOMAN: I’ve got to sing [...]

heartbroken fatsuit

CHARLES CHUBINKSI: You look fantastic in that sweater.
LORI TREVANIAN: I know.
[They are both hungover and in love. Their relationship is broken.]
LORI: I’m starving.
CC: I know.
[She's better than he is. More attractive, more "vital life force." He's a neurotic dump.]
LORI: I love you.
CHARLES: Nah, you don’t. I mean, you won’t. After we’ve been broken up for [...]

Gloaming {the Cube}

TED BILLIONS: I know you’re burned out, Leland. Hang in there
LELAND: Fuck this. Fuck you.
TED: You are a very privileged person. You’re looking a gift horse in the mouf
LELAND: And you’re looking a gift horse in its butt. Parry! Thrust!
TED: I’m wounded. You’ll pay for this
LELAND: What part of me gives you the sense that [...]

Coins

When I’m the first person in the office early in the morning I often sing a little sub-pseudo–Trout Mask Replica ditty to myself as I “settle in.” I just made a first crack at recording it though like many first cracks this one was unsuccessful, partly owing to how I “inadvertently” lobotomized myself this weekend, [...]

my visceral dinner

DENNIS: Too busy to blog
JENNY: Too busy even for me? Your “private” blog?
DENNIS: [his laughter setting his corpulence a-vibratin'] Well….. a ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

[ten minutes later]
DENNIS: [screaming] Fuuckk!!!!!
JENNY: [deadpan] What’s wrong
DENNIS: Nothing
JENNY: Oh. I thought you were screaming
DENNIS: Naw, just “surfin the web”
JENNY: Ha. Cool.
DENNIS: Where [...]

funny riff

Hey wait  stop cmere don’t wait no stop hey cmere wait hey stop  hey wait cmere cmon no here ha stop wait stop hey hi ha huh cmon uh here ha nah ha huh nuh heh wait stop no ha huh heh wait well hic stop hic ha wait ow ouch wait don’t wow wait [...]