One too many people have said they have been enjoying or even just reading this “blog,” so from now on, the doomed, shame-soaked erotica is going to start raining down hard. This website is now officially NC-14, and NSFW — where the N stands for for Never. I’m smoking you fuckers out. Get out. Have you ever seen a child shit in a playground sandbox? I have. The poo “clumps” just like it does with kitty litter.
You see, the very high quality of this “blog” is predicated on me feeling like everyone hates me and there is no reason for me to be alive. “Happiness blogs white,” as Cmte. Rouquefouldchourtle said in ’77 — 1777, that is! This aphorism is complicated by the fact that in the 18th century all the blogs were printed on black backgrounds, so to “write white,” in 18th-century blog parlance, really just means to “type legibly.”
I woke up at 5:30 a.m. What could I possibly tell you that would be helpful? Helpful to me, even? Let’s make a plan:
1. Become fluent in Spanish, and begin reading awesome Spanish novels in Spanish.
2. Become conversational in Chinese. Begin saying rude things about my non-Chinese-speaking coworkers to my Chinese-speaking coworkers (at least two that I know of. Life is a miracle!) Pronounce “Tsingtao” correctly when I order “Tsingtaos” at Chinese restaurants and bars. Hang out in Chinatown. Start wearing tucked-in shirts and smoking. Publish intentionally deranged pseudotranslations of the Tao te Ching on this blog. Completely alienate my Chinese-speaking coworkers. Walk home in the dark. Make dinner. Go to sleep.
3. Learn Arabic, just enough to sound out the characters. Forget everything in two weeks.
If you’d like to join me on this journey, please send a postcard with the phrase “Bonus Leaf” written in indelible block letters to Meep Meep Four Balencia Street, South Franchesca, IL, 44309-1123.