Daily Archives: December 31, 2008

acting bonkers is a calmative

1. Acting bonkers is a calmative.

FALSE. Acting bonkers only leads to more acting bonkers. Stars give birth to little stars. Pretend you’re normal and calm and, soon enough, it’ll come true. “Fake it till you make it.” This applies to vegetarians — eat enough “nut-mignon,” and you’re soon eating the real thing. Note: nuts are “real.” Fake meat is still “real.” The ersatz is delicious. Click here for an expansion of this paragraph with additional “sexy details.”

This morning on NPR there was a story about a stir-stick you can stick in your drink to test it for caffeine. If the stick turns orange, you’re good to go. If it stays green, find another cup of joe. No word, they reported, if the stick also determined whether or not the cup of coffee was pregnant, and would give birth to another, “smaller cup of coffee.” The announcer said this with a delicious deadpan that made me laugh aloud, like a mostly bonkers cock of the morn!

2. A wizard’s whisper is as loud as the moon’s careen.

FALSE. This is only true in the UK and Finland. In the United States, sotto voce wizardspeech is as delicate as spun-sugar lingerie. Has Polly been nude at the fair? Oh, yes — there she stands, framed by a bonkers ferris wheel, spinning faster than the planets, nude as a blazing birch stripped of its bark. Oh, Polly!

3. Nudity is a protein-rich ablutive, and you should remain silent.

TRUE. Gettin’ nude, esp. on the holidays, is a great way of relaxing and making new friends. It’s a common misconception that animals don’t care if you’re naked or not — they care deeply, and they think hard about it. Cheryl’s nude again, the little kitty remarked to herself. And she’s picking up all that paper I shredded from in front of the bathroom door. Now she’s putting on a record — is this Leonard Cohen? Is she really going out with James again tonight? It seems like she’s half-heartedly getting ready. I’m bored. These are the thoughts of cats!

4. Children are better at acquiring language than adults.

I heard this was true.

5. A necklace is a great gift for a sexual conquest.

FALSE. The necklace is a symbol of inheritance and greed. Put a perfect cube of butter in your beloved’s in-box, and text them of its presence. I mean, make them aware of it by sending them a text-message.

6. AT&T Wireless is the best cell-phone provider

This actually depends on the way you use your cell-phone. If you do a lot of text-messaging, etc

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a rash of fumes

I continue to get nothing at all done whatsoever. Helen DeWitt’s blog appeared. This interview with her was interesting, but since I was “busy” I had to burn through all the interesting parts. Same reason (“busy”) that this paragraph won’t be thoughtful or well-considered and will also feature the phrase “or whatever.” A recent post of DeWitt’s made me buy $1 copies of Hawksmoor and Riddley Walker. I got a light-headedly convincing SPAM email with this link in it: http://www.horrorregionalhospital.com/frank-stella/. Sports Basement is the best place in San Francisco to buy running shoes and camping equipment. They let me exchange my shoes even though I’d lost the receipt and run six miles in… them. Hey, don’t you wish you were a British philosopher-tourist in San Francisco? Or just a nother sort of British guy, in Britain? Instead of just an American Acid Casualty Office Worker in San Francisco? Are any readers of this blog doing acid on New Year’s Eve? If so, please be careful — you could damage your minds!! Why am I so apalled and emotional about Israel’s air-strikes on Gaza, when I hear about similar horrors every day from other corners of the world? Don’t answer that. Is it something in the strident tone of the Israeli voices I’ve heard defending the attacks? Have you read A Problem From Hell? I heard an interview on the BBC this weekend between a Palestinian woman in Gaza and an Israeli in Jerusalem, moderated by a British reporter in London. They were arguing until rocket fire sounded loudly in the background of the Gaza woman’s call. The terror in her voice was awful. She shakily tried to continue her answer until more explosions interrupted and the British interviewer urged her (twice) to find safety. Then he asked the Israeli if this changed his opinion at all, if it put a human face on the problem. The man responded, indignantly, and unconvincingly, that as far as he knew Israel was only hitting Hamas targets.