Sexy Convalescence

BITCHY LITTLE TUB OF MOISTURIZING CREAM: I went to college!

[No one says anything. They studiously ignore her.]

B.L.T.M.C.: I majored in English! I’m a philosopher! I’m hot!!! [Pause] I’m sexy. I’m desirable. I’m great. [Pause] When I had that skiing accident last year, my entire left leg was in a cast. I would lie on top of my duvet, utterly naked but for this snow-white cast, just glistening in the soft light of my reading lamp, waiting for a bookish cretin to crawl up the fire escape and make love to me. [Pause] I was going to say something less gentle than “make love,” but I see there are some children in the audience. [Stupid pause] I’ve gained a lot of weight since then. I wasn’t really eating after the ski accident. [Pause] I was so hot, can you imagine me? Naked but for my leg cast? Totally prone? Supine, in the best sense of the word. Waiting for my porcine caregiver to ascend those steel ladders and… give me care.

They would bring me Jamba Juice, Vanity Fair, and marijuana lollipops. Life was fine. I watched a lot of YouTube clips. A lot of Hulu.com.

I have heartburn.

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6 thoughts on “Sexy Convalescence

  1. quilty Post author

    Q: I thought prone meant face-down
    A: Shut up
    Q: What’s wrong
    A: Shut up
    Q: Do you have an “excuse” for being so rude?
    A: Shut up.
    Q: You are “derivative”
    A: Agreed
    Q: You are “a gas”
    A: Violence
    Q: Melodrama
    A: Fiona’s Court
    Q: Food’s Court
    A: Beekman’s World
    Q: Bill Nye’s Hot Air Balloon
    A: Diamonds sitting on little carved-gold chairs
    Q: The mall’s Borders
    A: William T. Vollmann
    Q: The death of “the Web”
    A: Dude court
    Q: John LaRoquette
    A: Beeny-Man Roqueforte
    Q: The shame of the subaltern
    A: where subaltern = intern
    Q: Comintern?
    A: Glastnost
    Q: Which life of Sebastian Knight?
    A: Triple Canopy on Knight Rider
    Q: NightRidder? Demography?
    A: penthouse forum. ucb geography dept.
    Q: Necklace. Breakfast
    A: Rolling Stone. Paste.
    Q: Showery foamings
    A: Dungenous Loaming
    Q: Cake, “Fashion Nugget”
    A: William Faulkner, “A Rose for Emily”
    Q: Spasm’s MTV ho-down
    A: Spawn: Bride of Wedding Crashers
    Q: The Invisible Mercantile Library Science
    A: Deaf be not proud
    Q: Reggae be not proud
    A: Reggae, reveal thyself!
    Q: Carpeting the Carpal tunnel
    A: Ohio.
    B: Nashville.
    C: Doogie Hauser, M.D.
    D: Carapace
    E: Leaflet
    F: Diary.
    G: Grenache, Grenandine, Grendel, Grundle, Devilry
    H: Harlequins! Check em out!!!
    I: Nudity in the news
    J: Nightmares, foals, bitches
    K: Nasty, laddish and short (desc. of British man who stole your wife; cf Amis)
    L: Nodestar. Lodestar Runner. Homestar. Atari, Amiga, Amigo, Juarez
    M: Suez, Suarez, Suiza: Heartburn
    N: Knocked Up, 36-Yr-Old Virgin
    O: Beefcake. Oryx and Crake. CJ, PJ, the gang from Full House
    P: Lateral dickswipe
    Q: Rotogravurre
    R: Spinal Swastika. HR Geiger.
    S: Fail. Frame. Tale. Snake.
    T: The Iowa Writer’s Workshop. The Iowa Salad’s Workshop. PG Wodehouse, PG Powell, PG-13 (Wake)
    U: Updike, Baker, Baleen
    V: Kunkel, Gessen, Roth
    W: http://www.smith-micro.org
    X: Rhonda’s *Up* All Night
    Y: , shameful, recursive, dead
    Z: Jimi, Stevie, Syreeta, Miles

    Reply
  2. quilty Post author

    Sorry I didn’t get back to you on Sunday. I was more or less as described above — lying in bed, naked but for my cast. Immobilized.

    Reply
  3. kirk

    Poor little doggy-jewel franchise location! What type of sheet did they cover you with? I almost drove right past when I thought it was just a big thing covered with a big sheet.

    Reply
  4. Ed

    This starts off a little like Ch. 20 (I think) of Crippled Detectives but then it becomes it’s own thing….[One of] the best abecedaries we’ve read in years….Strongly recommended for all libraries……One of the season’s most delightful finds….

    —Kirkus (starred review)

    Reply

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