…anyway, this morning as I was walking into the office, I am Jewish, I am “all traveled out,” not going anywhere for the holidays, what about you, skeleton-crew people in the office are doing LOTS of shouting stuff out to each other, feeling their oats, it’s OK, it’s kind of bugging me, I do it as much as anyone, I am a hypocrite, but please stop talking to me, I am trying to write about my life on a free website that I maintain, please do not speak to me (Nota Bene: I am not talking about you, McMüller, everything you have said today and every day is perfect, seriously, please do not stop talking) (everyone else, you must stop talking)
…anyway, as I was walking into the office, there was a young woman posed semi-confrontationally on her bike, gazing self-consciously into the closed hipster Design Beyond Reach store next-door, we did not make eye contact, her face was poised in a self-conscious semi-angry mask of seriousness, the one that says “I am feeling confused and I know a total stranger is regarding me in a public space; I need a shield of total seriousness to protect me from embarrassment as I gaze into this twee, shuttered shop.”
Her expression was overwhelmingly serious, which is why I came close to laughing out loud when, with terrible concentration and gravity, she removed something from her bag, which could only have been a cell phone, but in fact, as I sauntered by with perfect posture and generous love in my heart, I recognized her removing from her bag a pack of———-Dentyne Ice! She was self-consciously producing a stick of gum! This woman was a rookie undercover cop. My heart went out to her. It stays out with her. Except somewhere, by now, I know she’s speaking out loud, and, despite myself, only because I’m trying to concentrate, I want her to stop.
I want to conduct a roundtable discussion that I’ll title “Slapstick on a Pig: New Feminist Humo(u)r(s)” with Lisa Hanawalt and Lauren Bans. I will moderate, but my “moderation” will just be Hanawalt and Bans mocking me. I will “sell” the interview to an online magazine.
I have been meaning to say HEY THANK YOU to everyone who laughed politely and didn’t throw acid/beer/vodka-tonic in my face at the Make-Out Room earlier this month. In particular: I couldn’t have asked for better volunteers from the audience. Total-stranger hilarious woman with empanada, I’m looking at you. KUDOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS