Tips From The Kitchen

If you love salad bars, but you live in a region that has none (SF’s Mission District, for example), making your own “salad bar” at home is easy! Just go to a store–lots of naughty li’l hotties such as yourself prefer Trader Joe’s, but you can also try Safeway, Mollie Stone’s, or even a health-food store! Purchase the ingredients you remember from the salad bars of your youth — sunflower seeds, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, et al. Be sure, for authenticity’s sake, to also purchase the salad-bar ingredients you always avoided — raisins, shredded carrots, goldfish crackers?!. These will be “set out” in your home salad bar and avoided, just like old times. You will need to order black plastic scoopers from the Internet. Build a Sneeze Guard from the windshields of old remote-controlled cars or motorcycles.

Be sure too to buy and prepare experimental and adventurous items you’d never find in a commercial salad bar — this is the chief advantage of the home salad bar! You make the rules! (The government has no business in your kitchen!) Some ideas to get you started are  “angel’s dust,” vodka pellets, caramelized marijuana, heroin-teriyaki sauce, “Goddess” dressing, ninja stars, DVDs, Aztec zappers, mini-salsa-masks, Coffee Bones (small), sex tales, dove bar nibblets, assorted nibblettes, chunkstones, “gravel,” peat, clumps of moist Darjeeling, Cocoa Puffs, Kix, Tab, marzipan shooters, blood. Still thinking? Try filling a small ramekin with “Sheila Tequila,” and lining the exterior with various home-boddyz, Look Homeward, Angels, Sacagawea dollars, mouthguards, Priuses, i’m out

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