Tag Archives: erotica

“fuck you”

Deb pondered the irony—maybe it was irony. Was it merely an “inversion”?—that the “important” things — economics, politics, war — were boring to read about, while “unimportant” things — fluff pieces in the health press, pop trivia, rock journalism — were really fun to read. Was this the same principle that made exercise difficult, that made undressed raw kale salads disgusting? Could she train herself to enjoy hard political reporting the same way she’d trained herself to crave the “healthy feeling” she got from working out and eating raw kale salads? She decided to masturbate for half an hour and then buy a subscription to The Economist. Her laptop’s battery was dead.

Excerpted from Thesis Bunnies, a collection of “humorous experimental erotica” forthcoming from Bounces Press (Northampton, MA).

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The “debate”

welcome back to our story. when we left off, the floating, disembodied vagina was weeping over a “floating pond,” and the cameramen all started crying. Let’s start by going around the room and answering some of your discussion-questions from last night’s tarea. Javier? What the fuck do you think?

JAVIER: I think you are vain. I think that you have an inflated sense of self. I think it is impossible for you to think of the word self without thinking about your – self. Which is sucks. Which is lame. I think you are big pussy. I hate you.

Cool, Javier, good one. Nice. Cut me to the quick. Anyone else have a response to the first discussion question?

LATHEY: Hey, I’m Patricia’s cat. I used to be the CEO of Amazon punto com but then una bruja cast a hex upon me and I was transmogrified into a cute little cat. I am a leedle pussy, in other words. The “Jeff Bezos” you see alive and at the helm of amazon dot com today is some other fuckface the bruja selected — in a different but related hex — to get turned into Jeff Bezos. I cannot say if this new Bezos  prefers being his old self. Also  no idea who he was before. Maybe he was, as you say, “a floating, disembodied vagina.”

Nice one, Beez. You are truly “tha teacher’s pet.” OK, next question: Really? Dialogic jam sessions from Brazil? Shouldn’t you be reporting new-new journalistically re: the plight of indigenous peoples? Lula do favela? Uploading high-res pix of food?

BALKY: Whoooah!!!!!

THE OTHER GUY FROM PERFECT STRANGERS: Balky!!!!

[my internet is too slow to look up the name of the other guy from perfect strangers. but my “mental internet” just offered me a suggestion — it came in the form of a little hoja de papel in an unsealed envelope, like in the oscars. NOTE: If I were a producer on the Oscars, I would make them seal those envelopes, and make someone make a joke about the decision to seal those envelopes.]

PRETTY TINY FACELESS WOMAN: I am pretty, though I have no face.

THE WATCHER: So how, then, are you pretty? Are we saying that it is your body which is pretty?

P.T.F.W.: No, I can still be pretty without a face. Watch this… [She leans over to drink luxuriously from a water fountain. When she resumes her standing posture, there are full red lips on her face.] This water is cold. [She has beautiful brown hair.]

THE WATCHER: I feel resistant to describing my day on my blog. Doesn’t this count?

PTFW: Don’t look at the camera. Look at me. [She is unbuttoning her blouse. What if this blog became an erotica website? If you can see any reason I should not publish erotica on this website, please leave a comment with a hypercogent, respectfully argued reason. Otherwise, my pen will begin to resemble a boner, and sexual narratives will flow freely from the mouths of my typing fingers. Which fingers shall be, in turn, fed to the mouths of exquisite, faceless beauties. Kiss my fingers. Kiss my fingers, PTFW (hereafter, “Tina”). Kiss my fingers, and let your facial features be revealed.] I am becoming fed up with you. If you don’t look at me and not the camera or your little adorable stomach, I will get more pissed and say harsh things to you. Things like, “you are a sorryfuck, and I loathe you. You have the talents of a grub bringing itself to climax in an empty, used compost bin. You are a British person alone in a fallout shelter, with nothing but every issue of Cracked magazine from 1997. You suck.”

THE WATCHER: I’m lookin at you baby, I’m looking. Just relax. It’s cool. I’m in Brazil. Say it with me. [A pause.] I’m in Brazil. [Another pause.] C’mon.

TINA: I’m… in Brazil. [She begins weeping.]

[A third and totally sweet pause. There is a chocolate cake lit with candles at the front of the stage. A single bed covered in a patchwork quilt is also on stage. Both characters sit down and stand up from this bed while they speak. Some people you went to college with are in the audience. Some of them are super high on marijuana. Others ate crazy snacks and have been suppressing farts throughout the first act. One dude feels his blackberry vibrate in the pocket of his khakis and he gets a boner. He begins composing free-verse erotica in his head. The voice in his head grows louder and louder until he finds that he is speaking helplessly aloud. He has the dramatic, inexorable actorly inspirational face of an actor in a contemporary musical. Think Rent. His hair is messy in the way that hair product can make messy, dirty blond hair look great. A collared shirt peeks out of a sweater. He is fit, and his jeans are expensive. Cool sneakers. At first he speaks, standing up from his seat, walking down the aisle, but by the time he gets to the stage, he is singing, in a rich, awesome, unpolished off-broadway tenor. His name is Zachary.]

ZACHARY:

Don’t fight the feeling
It’s a crazy bullshit machine
Tiny faceless lady, please don’t cry.
I stood up to help you dream!

I could be your sexy robot
I’ve got nearly six-THOUSAND CDs
I created Napster
I’m a sexy bullshit machine

[FASTER] My PDA sent a PDF to
The sexiest lady I’ve ever seen
She said “honey well a humma humma only PDA a humma
I want
[totally cookin free-jazz ensemble, which until now has been playing VERY quiet straight-ahead broadway-type arrangement, now launches into screeching, careening chaos]
Is a public smooch with a bullshit machine”

[with intensity] I said “momma that’s me” and then “momma that’s rare” and then “momma do want to hit a churrascaria with me”
And she said “if this don’t get erotic
At the drop of a hat
I’m a drop a couple drawers
And etc etc
[It’s OK if the actors, who should have all gone to Yale, not necessarily in drama but they do  need to have matriculated, begin freestyling this song. They can half-memorize these lyrics or they can just freestyle from the outset.]

[an orgy ensues onstage. erotica.]

END OF SCENE 1