FRITZ “THE SCIENTIST” O. AUSTRONAUTE: What is this, a Spinal Cone?
HIS ASSISTANT: A spinal comb, I believe, sir.
FRITZ: Neat! Bag it.
ASST: Yes. Very good. “I’m on it.”
F: Lemme see those spinal cones you bagged earlier.
A: Earlier, sir?
F: The ones I mentioned.
A: I don’t recall your…
F: You cunty little rodent! I’ll fucking strangle you! You’re worthless!!! [FRITZ strangles his ASSISTANT. The ASST makes choking/gurgling noises, and eventually expires. FRITZ lets him fall to the ground. He stands over his former ASSISTANT, heaving]
F: [cont] I’ve… I’ve just… murdered… my assistant!
[a big black cartoon bird carrying a huge roll of cartoon parchment flaps into the frame, blocking pretty much anything. With a wet cartoon farting noise the bird opens his beak and drops the roll and it unfurls and awesome crunching riffin theme music starts and the credits roll:
A NEW FILM
BY A.P. COUNTERHEAPPP
“0 TOWNE VAN SAINT”
CLIMATE X. CHANGE
AND SO FORTH
© 2009 BEAF BORNE PRODUCTIONS
[The parchment lights on fire and burns away, revealing FRITZ still standing there, still panting. He hasn’t moved. The asst. still lies dead before him. The hearth crackles. There’s a raven on a little perch. It’s a fake Disney Allen Poe raven. Shut up.]
FRITZ: I must… I have to… I’m not…. Whatever….
[a groovy little dude busts in and totally creams FRITZ with a waterballoon. I actually don’t care, do you? I mean Right? Who cares? Laters]