BITCHY LITTLE TUB OF MOISTURIZING CREAM: I went to college!
[No one says anything. They studiously ignore her.]
B.L.T.M.C.: I majored in English! I’m a philosopher! I’m hot!!! [Pause] I’m sexy. I’m desirable. I’m great. [Pause] When I had that skiing accident last year, my entire left leg was in a cast. I would lie on top of my duvet, utterly naked but for this snow-white cast, just glistening in the soft light of my reading lamp, waiting for a bookish cretin to crawl up the fire escape and make love to me. [Pause] I was going to say something less gentle than “make love,” but I see there are some children in the audience. [Stupid pause] I’ve gained a lot of weight since then. I wasn’t really eating after the ski accident. [Pause] I was so hot, can you imagine me? Naked but for my leg cast? Totally prone? Supine, in the best sense of the word. Waiting for my porcine caregiver to ascend those steel ladders and… give me care.
They would bring me Jamba Juice, Vanity Fair, and marijuana lollipops. Life was fine. I watched a lot of YouTube clips. A lot of Hulu.com.
I have heartburn.